I'm Just a Little Black Rain Cloud

I’m in another week where it was Sunday and then I looked up and it was Wednesday and I don’t really know how it happened. I suppose I’ve been busy with things, but mostly it feels like I’ve been living in a haze of frustration and sadness.

I mentioned the brain tumor/surgery situation a friend of mine is going through in a previous post. This person has been a mentor to me. An inspiration. He is someone I respect immensely. The world can’t afford to lose someone like him – not now, not like this. His situation is improving in some ways and even more precarious in others. It’s really all just waiting and hoping and, well, I’ve been doing a lot of that lately and I guess it’s starting to piss me off.

In the same vein is the teenager situation, which has only continued to deteriorate. Sadly, a treatment program seems like the only hope at this point and even my hope for that isn’t great. You can’t change somebody who doesn’t want to change and since he continues to find people that will prevent him from hitting bottom, he hasn’t reached the point where change is the only option.

It’s difficult to describe how painful it is to watch and how helpless we feel - kudos to my husband who has shown superhuman strength through all of this even though his heart is being ground up into tiny pieces.

As a parent, it's hard to accept that you can't help. It’s not unlike the way I felt when I went into preterm labor at just 23 weeks pregnant. I would have gladly agreed to be put into a coma for three months (in fact, I asked if it was possible) if that would have bought my babies the extra time they needed to grow.

If there was something I could actually do for him…a way to take away his pain and give him the will to want something better…I would do it. I would give every happy memory we’ve shared in the past 12 years in exchange for some assurance that he was going to be okay. But the reality is that he has to make himself better and all we can do is be here when he’s ready. And, well, that just really sucks.

So, TGIW, cuz I could really use a good episode of Top Chef to take my mind off all this.