Finding Our Way

***For those of you wishing I’d get back to lighter topics like funny things my kids say or Top Chef, I say: I’m with you, I’d like to get back to those things as well…I’m working on it, but would be remiss not to mention the weightier things going on at the moment.***

We can probably all name things we’ve done that we hope to never have to do again. This weekend I added “visiting my child in lockdown treatment center” to my list. I hope to never have to do that again, but I would if that’s where he needed to be.

I could also add “watching my child present his drug chart” to the list. This is the presentation that patients are asked to give to their parents when being released from inpatient treatment. It’s an inventory of all the drugs they’ve ever done, including how much and how often. Therapeutic significance aside, it’s the kind of thing you, as a parent, can’t help feeling that you could have happily gone your whole life without knowing.

There is good news, of course. Despite the pain of this process, I do feel like we’re moving forward. I know it won’t be easy. I know it’s up to him. I know he will stumble a few times before he finds solid ground. But at least we’re somewhere other than that dead space where we all know the truth, but no one wants to speak it…where everyone wants to do something, but no one knows what to do.

At least we’ve got a roadmap now. And even though it’s his journey to make, we can help him up when he falls and be his cheering section at every step.

I don't know if I just got exceptionally complicated children or what, but this parenting stuff is f*^king hard. I didn't know if it was possible to feel more helpless than I did when my tiny babies were hooked to ventilators, but I'm starting to think so. 

Thank you to everyone who has asked if there's anything you can do. If I could ask you to carry this heaviness in my heart for even five minutes, I would. As it stands, your kind words do make it easier. Thanks.