I'm not giving up on this blog. I decided. I thought I might give up on it, but then I realized that I missed it and so, here I am.
I should have lots of things to tell you since I've been gone for nearly two months...
I started writing again, which maybe is why I'm returning to my blog. I'm not writing anything in the sense that were I at a cocktail party and you introduced me as a writer (don't do that), and the stranger asked, "Oh what do you write?" I would have an answer. Not that kind of writing. More like the building up to that kind of writing. The re-building, where I try to force myself to get up and write every morning, which usually ends up meaning I write maybe 4 mornings, which is a lot more than zero.
I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" for book club (please note: I have the best book club ever) and at first I hated the structure of it, but then, a few more pages in, I wanted to be a writer who can write in such a seemingly simple style and have it resonate with everyone.
I've decided that one of the biggest challenges of parenthood is learning to see your kids not as an extension of you, but just as their own people who happened to emerge from your body. I haven't figure out how to do it yet, but I think it might be the secret to raising well-adjusted adults.
I planned a trip. Well, I haven't really planned it as much as the airfare has been booked. I'm headed to the east coast for a week. Just me. Visiting friends in Pittsburgh, New York City, and Philly - almost all of them with little kids. I might be crazy, but I'm pretty excited. I am also filled with anxiety about leaving for a week because it feels a little bit irresponsible. I'm trying to view that as a good thing since I've already been responsible enough for a person twice my age. Trying.
Work might be crushing my soul a little bit. Occasionally I have panic attacks where I desperately hope that someone will come save me from this career path that I have haphazardly fallen into. Then sometimes I realize that this job is exactly what I thought it would be when I took it. Sure the dysfunction is a little different than I expected, but really, I had a decent idea of what I was getting into. And then I let myself believe maybe it was going to be better than what I knew it was...and then I forgot what I knew and I thought that my new expectations were grounded in some sort of reality. I'd still like to be a person who can just go to work and have it mean nothing. I'd at least like to be that person until I can afford to have a job that means something again.
None of what I just wrote really does justice to the fact that I'm having a pretty nice summer. I'm thrilled that it's Olympics time again. I love, love, love watching people make their dreams come true. My husband thinks I'm a little crazy because nearly everything having to do with the Olympics makes me cry, but I can't help it. It's rare that determination is so tangible. These people have given their lives to being the best at something. It's just completely inspiring.
Quick, go enjoy the rest of July before it's over. I'll be back soon. Promise.