I often find myself marveling at the way that my teenager is able to consume exponentially more energy than my twin preschoolers. Nothing my little boys can throw at me – autism-related challenges included – empty me the way the teenager does. How do you convince someone who is hell bent on self-destruction to change course?
Sure, there’s the guilt. Where did we go wrong? What should we have done differently? But at a certain point – and with the blessing of various mental health professionals – we’ve had to face the fact that we have done our best. And I don’t mean we’ve done our best in the way that an absent parent who sends a check once a year might proclaim, “I did what I could, I don’t know why you don’t love me!” No, I mean we have worked at it.
We’ve done our homework, we’ve devised plans, we’ve seen therapists, we’ve focused on discipline vs. punishment, we’ve tried loving him through it…I won’t say none of it’s worked – I suppose we could be in a different place if we hadn’t done those things – but I can’t give any of them ringing endorsements, either.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m just at a total loss. I’m spent. I want to be strong and keep going, but sometimes I don’t know if I can. It’s too hard. And there it is, the guilt of even saying that out loud…because I’d like to believe that when it comes to my kids, nothing could ever be too hard.
Of course, whether or not it’s too hard really makes no difference. It’s a little like childbirth in that I simply have to keep going no matter how excruciating. Because even though it feels like I’m working against a ticking clock, like my window in which to help him become a functioning person is closing in on me – and despite all of his sentiments to the contrary – I know that he still needs us. And that fact just hangs there in the silence between us, with none of us knowing where to go from here.
3 comments:
When I talk to him, I still see (well hidden) the good, intelligent little boy I used to know (and I know you see it too) so I know he will be okay. Your efforts are what keep him going, though it will be ten years before he would admit it. So keep trying with the confidence that he will find his place, and he will thank you for the help.
After reading this and Butch's blog, I found myself feeling as though I could breathe a little. The challenges of raising a teenager can take you to a point where you feel there is no strength left to hold it together. I just had to leave a comment because I wanted to give appreciation to your honesty. Karen and I have come to some of our own challenges with Jeff, and I believe we mirror some of the same feelings. Again, thank you for saying what many of us feel.
I hope that a few years from now, we can both look back and laugh at these times...cuz right they're just not very funny.
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