Homecoming

The teenager is home. Back in his bed where he belongs. Hallelujah.

I realize there will be a grace period...that things will probably seem remarkably smooth for a few days before - BAM! - I find myself feeling those familiar pangs of frustration and disbelief at whatever is or is not going through his head...but right now I'm content to enjoy this feeling of calm...of relief...the feeling that things are as they should be again.

I know it won't be easy, but I believe it will be better this time. The break was needed as much as the reunion. I think we've all grown a little bit and have a slightly different perspective going back into it. The trick will be to maintain this new, enlightened perspective when fear and anger are staring us down...to remember what's really important and what is not. To keep him close without controlling him and to let him be free without letting go of him.

Times like these call for a little Shel Silverstein:

Listen to the mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts,
the impossibles,
the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves, 

then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child. 

Anything can be.

The Weight We Carry

We all have baggage. No matter what good intentions your parents might have had, you can bet they managed to screw you up in one way or another.

As parents ourselves, one of our many jobs is to try not to pass our baggage onto our kids. And while it’s true that we’ll probably just end up screwing them up in another way, at least our kids will have their own baggage to carry and not ours. Because really, once they get to therapy down the road, it will be easier for them to own their issues if they are, in fact, theirs.

You know that feeling when you became a parent that you would never do _____ the way your parents did? Imagine losing that opportunity – even temporarily.

We are still struggling with the teenager, only now it’s from a distance, as he is staying with his grandparents. The situation has not only crystallized the baggage my husband still carries, but has raised a lot of concerns about the way that same baggage is now being passed directly onto the teenager without the generational filtration system that is necessary for improvement. It’s like standing behind a two-way mirror, watching mistakes being repeated, knowing full well what the outcome will be, and not being able to stop it.

It's not being able to parent.

Who knows what’s best? It’s about perspective. As our parents’ grown children, we have a perspective they will never have – the same will be true for our children. So even though I believe I’m doing my best today, my kids will have the knowledge they need to do even better with their kids. I would never wish that opportunity away from them.

And I hope that when that time comes, I will know better than to think that I know better.

This Too Shall Pass

My therapist tells me I've gotten much better about putting things in perspective. This wasn't something I knew I was working on, but apparently I did it anyway (now that is a good therapist). 

Unfortunately, when it comes to the teenager, "putting things in perspective" feels a lot like lowering my expectations. Now rather than fretting about him not getting into college, I tell myself that he can always go later. Or that in "real life" (as in, post high school), nobody cares whether you got straight A's or just barely scraped by...well, no one except those college admissions officers....And at even lower times, I remind myself that you don't even need a high school diploma to be a plumber or a welder or a number of other honest professions that pay a living wage. 

But I know that where the perspective really comes in is knowing that as long he survives this horrible self-destructive phase...as long as he can just get through it, he is going to be okay. And I believe that. Even when I see him choosing the hardest, most dangerous path, I believe he will be okay...eventually. And while it doesn't stop me from worrying or wishing it could be easier, it does help me see the big picture. And the big picture is looking a whole lot prettier than the snapshot of our current situation.