Mother's Day

Ah, Mother's Day. Do the rest of you moms fluctuate between wanting to spend the day cuddled up with your kids and wanting to jet off to a tropical island where no kids are allowed?

It's funny how a day that's supposed to honor us as mothers is so often used as an excuse to take a break from our kids...not that I'm criticizing. I think the year that we did brunch with the kids and then I flew away to New York with my husband and had dinner in my favorite NYC restaurant was probably one of the best Mother's Days ever. Like everything, it's about balance, I suppose.

This morning I had homemade (schoolmade) flowers bestowed upon me, as well as my coveted mortar & pestle! Then we stuffed ourselves silly at the same fabulous brunch buffet we attend every year. The one with the chocolate fountains and those amazing little desserts you see above.

The rest of the day will be spent laying around, waiting for the finale of The Amazing Race. And possibly making guacamole with my new toy. And dreaming of a tropical island.

Happy Mother's Day!

Optional Mom

I hope you’ll excuse this delayed Mother’s Day blog – I didn’t want to post anything until I knew if it would be good or bad news and then I ran off to NYC before I could share it with you, but I did want to share it, so here goes…

The teenager came to brunch. I knew he had agreed to come, but I wasn’t letting myself get my hopes up. Actually, I was alternating between being anxious that he wouldn’t show and anxious that he would and that it would be tense and awful.

But he did come and it wasn’t awful. It was wonderful. We talked and ate and laughed and I felt like I was getting to be his mom again. It’s funny how such small things can be so important when you strip everything else away. 

You may have noticed a lack of teenager-related blogs in recent months. The trauma with him this fall/winter sort of pushed me over the edge and I basically just stopped dealing with it. Where he was concerned, I felt useless and unwanted.

After several months of this, I went to my therapist seeking some sort of absolution. I think that I wanted her to give me permission to give up…to accept that this person to whom I’ve given twelve years of my life, was just no longer going to be part of it…I wanted her to confirm my suspicion that I no longer had a role in his life. That I was an optional component.

What I got instead – and what it turned out I actually wanted – was permission to continue to be his mom. I may have been displaced, undermined, shut out and ignored, but nothing can undo the mothering I have done. I am still his mom, no matter who gave birth to him and no matter whose house he sleeps in.

I will be his mom, I told myself, even if I have to go another 10 or 20 years without any reciprocation of my concern and love for him.

But maybe I don’t have to. Because he came to brunch. Because you have to start somewhere. And tiny steps feel so much better than nothing at all. 

Happy Mother’s Day to me.

But what I really, really want is...

I wrote this post about Mother's Day for Examiner.com today and it's left me feeling a bit conflicted. (Go ahead, click on it - I'll wait.)

It's all true, mind you, I do actually like spending Mother's Day with my kids...I guess I just feel a little hypocritical because this year I've been presented with the amazing opportunity to spend Mother's Day both with and without my children. 

I get to start the day with the mega brunch buffet I mentioned in the piece (my kids have seriously been looking forward to it since last year) and end the day having a romantic dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in Manhattan. 

No, I haven't recently won the lottery and purchased a private plane (I promise to blog about that if it happens), my husband just smartly turned what could have been a disastrously-timed business trip into what could be the best Mother's Day ever. 

Yay for thoughtful husbands! And frequent flyer miles! And for mothers who will accept babysitting their grandchildren for two nights as a Mother's Day gift!

Mother's Day

Today is bittersweet…more sweet than bitter* thanks to my husband and beautiful boys, who have been showering me with love and took me to a fabulous brunch, where I ate everything from eggs Benedict and shrimp to chocolate covered strawberries and crème brulee.

The boys have also been treating me to exceptionally adorable banter today. When getting dressed for brunch, Aidan didn’t really want to put on his pants. We told him he had to wear pants to brunch. He considered this and said, “If we brought a suitcase with pants in it, the waiter would sure be surprised.” Owen immediately chimed in with, “Or if we brought a suitcase full of lunch.” Ahhhh, nothing like plotting to surprise your waiter.

When we got to the fancy French buffet at Hotel Sofitel, Aidan announced that “Buffets are very special.” And when I returned to the table with my second heaping plate of food, Owen exclaimed, “Mommy, you sure are a good eater!” Sweet as can be.

But, of course, there’s the bitter fact that I am celebrating motherhood without the child that I’ve mothered for 11 of his 16 years. He declined the invitation to brunch. I knew he would…but I hoped he wouldn’t. I told myself not to take it personally, but it still hurts. It hurts even more trying to explain to my boys why their big brother isn’t here.

It’s just a day – just one of the many that will have to pass in order for things to improve. But it’s a harder day than others.

So go hug your mom. Thank her for putting up with you during those times when you probably didn’t deserve it. It may have been her job, but I promise it wasn’t easy.

*Thank you Big Head Todd