Seasoning

October is almost over. I'm torn between whether to feel more guilty about not blogging or not eating enough pumpkin...I think I technically still have the whole Thanksgiving season and maybe even the full holiday season to eat pumpkin, so I suppose I should feel guilty about the blog. Sorry, blog.

I'm about to enter week 4 at my new job. I'm happy to report that it's going well. I'm still adjusting to the commute and the extra hour that it adds to my work days, but the job itself is great.

I'm holding off on getting into the Christmas spirit until Halloween has passed, but 'tis the season for vacation planning! Yes, it's always vacation planning season in my mind, but right now is when I begin obsessively researching beach vacations, as I see the approaching winter. Every year I declare that we must take a beach vacation every February, as that is the cold, hard center of our brutal winters.

But most years we don't really do that. Sometimes I get over-excited and we take a trip in December or January (too early) and other years, we wait until March or April (torture). And sometimes we don't go anywhere. Or rather, we take the boys to the waterpark and pretend it's a vacation (which works for them, but not so much for me).

We decided against the Top Chef cruise, so this year my sights are set on Florida - not for Disney, but because I want to take the kids to Kennedy Space Center and also, Owen got really excited when he learned you could take canoe tours through the Everglades (add that to the list of things I would only do for my kids). Also, sitting on a beach in Miami while it's below zero here sounds pretty nice...and it's way cheaper than Hawaii.

But I also want to go to LA, where we have several friends I'd like to visit. It's just not very hot there in February. More importantly, we were just there last summer.

The bigger question is really whether we should actually be taking a winter vacation at all. It certainly would not hurt our bank account to stay home all winter. (but it will hurt my brain!) The deciding factor is really whether we decide to do the big Ireland trip this summer. If we commit to that, then there's probably a waterpark in my future. A waterpark and me telling myself that planning my dream trip to Ireland makes up for being stuck in the frozen tundra for the duration.

Picture me on an inner tube with a laptop, reading reviews of Irish castles,  surrounded by one thousand screaming children. (Gee, when I put it that way it does seem like the obvious choice.)

Like the Christmas spirit, I think I'll just put this decision off a bit longer. This week is all about Halloween. Well, half the week anyway.

The boys are being Death and Luigi. Maybe will be the title of Owen's memoir.

I've already done my celebrating by running a 5K (WITHOUT dying!) and giving up sweets. Brilliant! What could possibly go wrong?

Never Say Never

I promised a post about the new job. Problem is...although there are only like 12 of you who still read this blog...I don't want to go into detail because I don't really want my employer keeping up on my latest neurosis.

But, the short story is that I am returning to the corporation that I left 7 years ago and to which I said I would never, ever return. (cue Taylor Swift)

What can I say? Things change. I don't want to say I'm an entirely different person than I was 7 years ago, but I'm definitely not the same. Back then I had twin 2.5 year olds. I was just coming off a prolonged legal battle over my deceased father's estate. I didn't realize how traumatized I had been by both my babies premature birth and my father's death.

I was actively fighting the loss of my former self...because, honestly, before I had kids I used to be kinda cool...in like an obvious way. (It's not totally gone, it's just a lot more subtle now.) And I could not reconcile my former life and my current life, with what I wanted for my life.

Not that I've got it all figured out now, of course, but at least I've come to (mostly) terms with the fact that the life I want cannot be afforded by two parents being starving artists. Also, I can admit that it's a lot easier to work places with resources and infrastructure. It's nice to accomplish things. It's nice to be able to go on vacation. And it's really fucking nice to have health insurance that actually covers things.

It should also be noted that although I'm going back to the same corporation, it's not the same job. And I'm really excited about this new job and this new team and kind of getting a chance to go back and do things differently this time. And it doesn't hurt that I still have a slew of friends who work there. Do not underestimate the importance of friendly faces at work.

I don't start for another week, but I've got that back-to-school nervous excitement vibe happening. And this song is on a loop in my head...

All Aboard

I’m writing this from a train. (I’m hopefully posting it from the train too, but the wifi has been spotty.) I am making the trip from Manhattan to Philly in the final leg of East Coast Baby Tour 2012. Did I even tell you about the baby tour? Sigh.

You know how Ani Difranco has that lyric about wanting to be like Duke Ellington and travel around in her own railroad car? I totally agree. I’d like my own railroad car…maybe there could be a way to buy your own and then have it hooked up to a train when you want to go places? Train travel is just so pleasant in a way that air travel can never be (unless you’re flying in a private jet, but sadly, I am not on the track to becoming a billionaire).

So yes, East Coast Baby Tour 2012 was originally a trip to Philly, but it got expanded upon learning that one can fly from Minneapolis to Pittsburgh to New York, take the train to Philly and then fly back to Minneapolis for roughly 40% less than one can fly round-trip from Minneapolis to Philly. It makes no sense, but it did allow me to line up visits with all of my East Coast friends – including several who have gained children since last I saw them.

I’m not going to go into all the details of everywhere I’ve been and the babies I have kissed, but what’s been interesting to me is just getting to pass through people’s lives this way. They’ve all generously welcomed me into their homes and I get a glimpse of the way other people live and the way that couples interact with each other – it’s super interesting, I recommend it.

I think it’s easy to miss all the nuances that your particular relationship with your spouse has acquired over the years (especially when it’s been more than a decade) – things that you take for granted, ways of communicating, even just evening routines. Observing other people gives insight into them as well as yourself. And I love insight.

So anyway, I’ve been traveling all over the place for the last 5 days, with 2 to go. It’s been weird traveling alone like this, although I haven’t really been alone, of course. It’s nice. And also I miss my family. It’s a good mental health break from work and family life though. No worrying about taking care of anyone or anything but me. (On that note, I got a spontaneous midday massage in Manhattan at Bunya Citispa and it was possibly the best massage of my life.)

This trip was both well- and poorly-timed as it turns out, as I got a new job (!) pretty suddenly last week (I’ll have to write a separate post about that), so this mental respite is much needed and yet it leaves me with only one more week of doing my current job before I start the new one, which will ultimately be fine, but isn’t exactly the ideal way to hand things off…but, like I said, it will ultimately be fine. Actually, the trip is a lot more than fine – it's been pretty amazing getting to see so many people and places in such a short time…I’m already plotting a family train trip maybe for next summer.

All aboard!

Wonder

The (former) teenager turns 21 today. That seems both impossible and...well, mostly impossible. I am hoping that this year will bring him happiness and maturity. The degree to which he embraces common sense will likely dictate how that turns out.

All in all, life is pretty good. Summer is ending, school starts for the boys tomorrow. They are 4th graders, which is almost as impossible as my stepson being 21. They are excited. We are hoping this year will be better for Owen and that Aidan will find his people in his new gifted class.

Now is the time of year that I question all my life choices and crave change even if everything is fine. I'm trying to ride it out until winter suppresses all motivation. Pretty soon we'll wake up and tomorrow will be Christmas.

And I have an inexplicable urge to watch The Wonder Years.

Where Cruise Ships and Reality TV Collide

It's still mid-August, it's still mid-August, it's still mid-August...I just want to try to hold onto it for another minute before it's suddenly Christmas. Minnesota has decided that it's fall already and even though I LOVE long-sleeves-no-jacket weather, I'd like to savor these few remaining weeks of summer before school starts again and the holidays start and we enter the tunnel of darkness known as winter here.

So, anyway, did you hear about the Top Chef Cruise? I think I might have actually jumped up in the air a little when I first heard. Not only would this put me on a boat with Tom, Gail and several of the cheftestants I adore, but it would accomplish two of my 40 by 40 items: take a cruise and eat key lime pie in Key West. And I really need to start knocking those list items off, as I've been neglecting the list lately.

Tickets just went on sale a few days ago and I've been agonizing over whether or not to do it. My supportive  husband is willing to indulge in my Top Chef obsession if it comes with a beach and an ocean, so we're good there. The cost is somewhat ridiculous for a 4-day cruise, but I'm willing to put it in the column of "priceless experiences," so that's the not the major hangup, either. I think my hesitation comes from knowing that even though it could be amazing and, sure, Gail and I could wind up having cocktails together and becoming BFFs and she could offer me a job as a taster on Just Desserts...it could also be really, really bad.

I'm picturing being herded into an auditorium like cattle to watch a completely scripted "Quickfire Challenge" with mildly-seasick cheftestants and a bored Tom Colicchio, whom I can only partially see because our seats are so far away. And a standard cruise buffet with little placards calling out ingredients used in past episodes of Top Chef ("Wasabi white chocolate sauce inspired by Richard Blais, Season 4!") vs. anything resembling an actual Top Chef meal.

Basically, I'm scared of being totally disappointed. Plus, I don't want to spend three times what a 4-day cruise should cost, only to find out that I'm on a regular 4-day cruise with a few TV celebrities.

None of this is to say that I don't still want to go, I'm just not sure it's worth the risk. If money truly were no object, I'd for sure do it just to see, but this would end up being our big trip for the year and that adds a bit of pressure...in fact, I think I'll start my own reality show, "Travel Booker," where traveltestants plan vacations on a limited budget and are forced to make split-second decisions. I will be the judge who takes all of their vacations and decides which one was best.

I think I'll bounce the idea off Tom while we're sipping mai tais at the pool.

Accomplishments (and not so much)

I'm closing out a week without kids. Well, five days, really, but still...the boys are at camp, sleeping in cabins and swimming in a lake and running around being silly, loud little boys the way little boys used to be before we all got tethered to televisions. They are most likely having the best. time. ever. They will come home a dirty, bug-bitten, tired mess. I will smother them with kisses anyway.

I accomplished nothing this week. Good thing my only goal was not to cook (check!). I didn't even buy groceries.

When I wasn't working or spending too much money eating out, I was watching the Olympics. I would have watched more, but I knew I'd regret sitting at home watching TV all week when I could be out playing.

Just another day at the office...

But when I do watch, I am of course awed and inspired (inspired to do what? I don't know), but what I think is, "Wow, there are people rowing kayaks/running the track/flipping through the air/etc. right now and that activity has been their singular focus for the last several months/years." It seems both amazing and crazy.

If you devote your life to, say, table tennis and then you DON'T become an Olympic athlete, have you wasted a large portion of your life on a useless skill, or is it still rewarding somehow? I'm not making a judgement, I'm just wondering. It seems risky.

I'm actually watching the kayaking right now and thinking how great it must be to spend your days outside on the water. I mean, I'm sure they do other exercise, too, but to have your "job" essentially be to get out and row a kayak as fast as you can is just so drastically different from my life that I like to try to imagine it. Sort of like joining the circus...I don't really want to, but it's a fun thing to imagine.

I'm Back

I'm not giving up on this blog. I decided. I thought I might give up on it, but then I realized that I missed it and so, here I am.

I should have lots of things to tell you since I've been gone for nearly two months...

I started writing again, which maybe is why I'm returning to my blog. I'm not writing anything in the sense that were I at a cocktail party and you introduced me as a writer (don't do that), and the stranger asked, "Oh what do you write?" I would have an answer. Not that kind of writing. More like the building up to that kind of writing. The re-building, where I try to force myself to get up and write every morning, which usually ends up meaning I write maybe 4 mornings, which is a lot more than zero.

I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" for book club (please note: I have the best book club ever) and at first I hated the structure of it, but then, a few more pages in, I wanted to be a writer who can write in such a seemingly simple style and have it resonate with everyone.

I've decided that one of the biggest challenges of parenthood is learning to see your kids not as an extension of you, but just as their own people who happened to emerge from your body. I haven't figure out how to do it yet, but I think it might be the secret to raising well-adjusted adults.

I planned a trip. Well, I haven't really planned it as much as the airfare has been booked. I'm headed to the east coast for a week. Just me. Visiting friends in Pittsburgh, New York City, and Philly - almost all of them with little kids. I might be crazy, but I'm pretty excited. I am also filled with anxiety about leaving for a week because it feels a little bit irresponsible. I'm trying to view that as a good thing since I've already been responsible enough for a person twice my age. Trying.

Work might be crushing my soul a little bit. Occasionally I have panic attacks where I desperately hope that someone will come save me from this career path that I have haphazardly fallen into. Then sometimes I realize that this job is exactly what I thought it would be when I took it. Sure the dysfunction is a little different than I expected, but really, I had a decent idea of what I was getting into. And then I let myself believe maybe it was going to be better than what I knew it was...and then I forgot what I knew and I thought that my new expectations were grounded in some sort of reality. I'd still like to be a person who can just go to work and have it mean nothing. I'd at least like to be that person until I can afford to have a job that means something again.

None of what I just wrote really does justice to the fact that I'm having a pretty nice summer. I'm thrilled that it's Olympics time again. I love, love, love watching people make their dreams come true. My husband thinks I'm a little crazy because nearly everything having to do with the Olympics makes me cry, but I can't help it. It's rare that determination is so tangible. These people have given their lives to being the best at something. It's just completely inspiring.

Quick, go enjoy the rest of July before it's over. I'll be back soon. Promise.