Corporate Catharsis

A few weeks ago, I began what seems like a social experiment but is actually my job: I returned to my former corporate team as a consultant. I haven't mentioned it sooner because, well, I try not to comment much on work in this blog, but occasionally lines get crossed.

Now, I'm not back permanently, mind you, I'm just there to complete a project (using much of the expertise that I acquired there). But man, it's weird. I equate it to going back to high school as an adult. There's a familiar feeling of uncertainty and dread that comes with reentering the corporate whirlpool...

But here's the surprising part: It's not bad. I thought my post-traumatic stress would send me reeling upon re-entry, but instead it's kinda fun. It's not all fun, but it's fun to see my friends who are still there. It's fun to have coworkers who are actually sitting beside you (the downside of the home office). It's fun to be able to problem-solve in nearly real-time rather than feeling one or two steps removed from the solution.

More importantly, I feel like it's giving me a chance to make peace with a place that I associate with some of the hardest times of my life (I'm thinking specifically of my boys being in the hospital and my dad dying, but there was also that looming feeling that I was selling my soul). I don't know, it's like having lunch with an ex-boyfriend and realizing that you're actually happy that he's met someone else.

The point is, I'm finding it cathartic. And the work is actually interesting, a fact that got lost beneath the frenzy and politics when I actually worked there. Crazy.

Here's to finding healing in the most unlikely places.

In Bloom

For those of you who might also be experiencing the typical late-January subzero blues, I'm here to tell you that I've discovered a ray of hope in an unlikely place (for me, anyway): Flowers! That I'm growing! And it's all thanks to the magic of the Watch 'Em Grow.

Now, I'll be honest and tell you that I have no experience with any other kind of planter, so I don't exactly know how this one compares, but what I DO know is that I've never kept any type of plant alive...I probably should have put that on my 40 by 40 list: "Keep a living thing that cannot tell you when it's hungry alive."

Well, if I had put that on my list, I'd now be checking it off. I might even be starting to understand the whole gardening phenomenon.

Now I'll be even more honest and tell you that the only reason I got this particular plant is because my friend works at Bachman's and offered to send me one as part of a marketing thing. And so while most recipients were probably evaluating the planter on its beauty, I took this on as a challenge to see whether I could keep it alive. I've been posting progress for my friends to see on Facebook, but I think this thing is so cool that I decided to blog about it, too.

I got the thing two weeks ago. And it looked like this:

And then with nothing more than a little water, I was greeted with this:

And now it looks like this!
I seriously only have to water it every other day and it seems like almost every morning a new kind of flower pokes its pretty little head up and says "Hello! January has not killed off all living things!" It makes me happy - especially because the view outside is pretty bleak.

I think I know what everyone is getting for Christmas this year...

The Invitation is Open

I realize it's only been a matter of days (not even two weeks!) since I made the resolution, but I am so far failing at inviting people over...which is to say that I have yet to invite anyone over. (I did, however, bake some chocolate chip cookies.)

In what could be construed as good news, I've gotten the part about staying home down pat. Except I fear I will be a hermit within one month. Every morning I ponder whether I can get away with staying in my pajamas for the entire day...usually I can't, but I sure do like the idea.

You see, I like my friends (a lot, mostly), but inviting them over just seems like a lot of work. More work than going out. I feel like I need a reason to invite people over...a theme, an event, an activity...is this my own neurosis? Do regular people just invite their friends over to watch Wheel of Fortune and eat microwave lasagna? (Yes, apparently I am now 70.)

And then there are the children...mine are sure to be that perfectly irritating mix of cute, distracting and needy. And if my friends bring their kids, well, we might as well have just gone to the Starbucks drive-thru together and called it a day because that's how much heart-to-heart conversation we're going to have. Not to mention that my house is practically a death trap for the under 3 set - I've never seen a house with so many sharp corners. Sorry, that was the anxiety talking.

Friends, I love you. I even love your kids. And you are all welcome. I think I just don't want to have to invite you. January is too cold for me to plan anything other than faraway vacations. Would it be too much for me to ask you all to get together and create a secret schedule in which you call me on a rotating basis to invite yourselves over and tell me what I should prepare? Ok, great. Thanks!

Here We Go

It’s my first blog of 2011 and already I feel behind! Sigh…I had such good intentions of posting something uplifting or inspirational on New Year’s Day. I guess inspiration never struck. Rather than interpret that as a sign of things to come this year, I’ll just assume that inspiration is simply still on its way, gathering momentum, waiting to pounce at just the right moment. Yes.

Did you all come up with resolutions for the year? (I like to ask questions because it makes me feel like I have an audience.) I have the standard “get back on the exercise wagon” one, which is so boring that I’m not even calling it a resolution, just something I simply must do before I am forced to buy bigger pants.

I seriously considered trying to give up sugar. Isn’t that hilarious? Then I thought, “Maybe I’ll just try to only consume the daily recommended allowance of sugar.” But, of course, there IS no daily allowance of sugar – sugar is entirely superfluous, which I think is what makes it sweet. In my research, I found a guideline that says you should try to limit sugar intake to only 8-10% of your daily calories…this means that the more I eat, the more sugar I can eat, but that’s probably not the way it’s intended. Maybe I should just stop eating sugar cookies for breakfast.

Actually, I think I'll resolve to bake more and to try harder recipes. It will go well with my other resolution to entertain more (not to be confused with throwing more parties because I think we all know I have party anxiety). I just want to invite people over more often. Small groups of people. Even just one person. It’s silly that we always go out and spend money every time we want to hang out…plus, it will force me to clean my house. Plus, plus, with how bad I’ve gotten about making plans, it would be efficient for me to invite several friends over at once. But not more than 6. Through no scientific research, I’ve decided that 6 is the magic number – once you go over, you miss out on talking to someone and that’s always such a bummer. (and one of the reasons I don't like to host parties)

Baking and entertaining. I feel like Betty Draper...no wait, I don't think she bakes. I could resolve to do something career-related, but I'm much more inclined to just be happy where I am and see what happens.

And there you have it: Bake. Entertain. Be Happy and See What Happens.

Welcome to 2011.

Review, Resolve, Repeat

It's New Year's Eve! One year ago at this very moment, I was in an airplane on my way to Hawaii. Oh, Hawaii...I am dangerously close to booking a trip for next New Year's Eve right now because starting the new year somewhere fantastic is just so much better than trying to figure out what you're doing on New Year's Eve. (However, I do actually have fun plans tonight so I shouldn't complain.)

Anthony Bourdain made a nice year-end list that made me want to make my own list, except I don't know that I've seen enough good movies or read enough books this year to make a worthwhile list of that sort, so instead, allow me to simply recap the reasons 2010 was actually pretty great:

1. I traveled...a lot. I got to experience Hawaii, D.C., and New York with my husband and boys, which was amazing. I made a very snowy trip to New York with one of my BFFs. I got to do Vegas with the hubby and another two of my BFFs (and make new friends along the way!). And, of course, there was the work travel (see no. 2), which wasn't always fun, but it did allow me to befriend one of my new co-workers and fall in love with the Ritz Philadelphia lobby (and Monica's cupcakes).

2. I got a job. Yes, after four years of freelancing and contracting, I got myself a real full-time job. It's been quite an adjustment, but I don't mind saying that I kind of hit the jackpot in the employment area. My boss is awesome, my co-workers are awesome, the work is interesting, and even though sometimes I have to put on a suit and present things to people, I can often spend the whole day in my slippers (I work from home).

3. The teenager graduated from high school. There were times that I wasn't sure it would really happen, so the fact that he graduated is an accomplishment, but more importantly, it's a sign of the progress he's made and keeps making. He's healthy, he's safe, and he makes for pretty good company these days. As long as those three things remain true, everything else is just a bonus.

4. I made progress on the 40 by 40 list. I don't know if I knew when I made the list that it would provide such an ongoing source of challenge and opportunity. Things I've just been wanting to do take on new meaning and purpose when executed against the list. Things I could have said, "Yeah, maybe I'll get to that" are now must-do's because they are the list, and that's pretty great. In 2010, I completed five items on the list:

1. As already mentioned twice in this post, I visited Hawaii (#4)
2. I sang karaoke (#15)
3. I scrapbooked my boys' childhoods (#23)
4. I learned to do smoky eyes (#28)
5. I participated in a treasure hunt/scavenger hunt in another state (#29)

That's a lot of stuff. Plus, I may also have completed numbers 18, 19 and 21 but I'm not ready to call them yet. I've let the holidays derail the exercise a bit and as for the job, I don't know, it feels like I'd be jinxing something to call it already, so we'll come back to that one at a later date.

I should also mention that my husband realized his dream of opening an improv theater this year, which is pretty fantastic, but I'll leave it up to him to expand upon in his own year-end recap (which I'll link to here if he writes one).

So with 2010 being so good, I'm entering 2011 with a mix of high expectations and fear of disappointment (what else is new?). I haven't yet come up with any resolutions, but I do know that I'm hoping for another year of new experiences, good food, and great friends. And donuts. This year I'm going to learn to make donuts. Dream big, kids.

Happy New Year!!!

Of Mice and Karaoke

So it was Christmas...we had pie and presents and hosted our first Wii bowling tournament and then yesterday we took the boys to Tangled, which I liked a lot. Loved the horse. Loved the lantern scene. I think Disney must be funneling all the crap into its television channel so as not to distract the talented people.

I haven't been baking much this holiday season, which I'm going to have to see about rectifying now that I have a WHOLE WEEK OFF! My fabulous employer decided to close up shop for the week. I don't believe I've ever had an entire week off from work where I didn't take a trip...I'm not exactly sure what to do. I will probably attempt to cram all of the fun stuff I haven't had time for lately into one week...that will be exhausting, but hopefully fun too. (Full disclosure: I scoured the last-minute travel deals but could not find anything that was actually enough of a deal.)

But before I get sidetracked on all of the things I might do with my week off, I should tell you what I've been doing all of this time that I've haven't been blogging! Two very important things have happened:

1. I completed #15 on my 40 by 40 list by singing karaoke at my friend's bachelorette party last weekend! (yes, the photo is teeny tiny) As I had always wanted, it was "Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leppard. Very fun. I think I will do it again. And since everyone always asks me this: Yes, really, I had never sung karaoke before. I used to sing for real when I was younger (I once sang a Debbie Gibson song in the atrium of a mall!) but something about getting up to sing in front of friends and strangers as an adult is intimidating. But like I said, it was really fun. I actually think we could have a lot of fun with a karaoke set-up at home...perhaps I will start scouring the after-Christmas sales.

2. We got a pet!

Actually, three pets! Three itty bitty mice. After 7.5 years of not really wanting to be responsible for any additional lives, I finally started missing having a fuzzy pet. This led me to the Animal Humane Society website, which I don't recommend browsing unless you're prepared to drop everything and adopt a pet (trust me, you'll fall in love with one of them).

My reason for going to the web site was to get ideas for a pet that wasn't a dog or cat (Aidan and I are both allergic, plus I'm not ready for a dog). I had hamsters and rats growing up, but never a mouse. However, I fell in love with Cumin, this tiny little mouse with the cutest face. After much convincing, my husband relaxed his anti-rodent stance and I merrily jaunted off to the Humane Society, where I discovered that my little Cumin had been at the shelter for months and that she had two sisters, from whom she had never been separated. So I took them all home, changed their names to Lola, Latte and Boots, and we are now living happily ever after. Even my husband likes them. A Christmas miracle, indeed.

I hope you've all been having a very Merry Christmas season, too.

Now it's on to New Year's Eve, the holiday I dread every year because I simultaneously want to curl up in my bed and want to have the most fabulous, sparkly plans in the land. Neither of these things ever happens. Well, except last year when I was asleep in my hotel bed in Hawaii...that was a good way to spend New Year's Eve. I might have to resurrect the New Year's vacation next year. As for this year...I plan to spend the week uncovering all of the fabulous things I could be doing had I planned more than 6 days ahead of time. But it will all work out in the end. Maybe I will make party hats for my mice...

Downhill

I always kind of brace myself for the emotional kick in the chest that often comes when introducing Owen to new people and experiences. I should be used to it after 4 1/2 years (crazy that it's been that long since he was diagnosed), but expecting it isn't the same as being used to it. It still knocks the wind out of me. I'm writing this while still catching my breath.

We enrolled the boys in snow sports. Aidan's been asking to snowboard since he was 5, so this year we finally signed him up for a local team where he can learn and hang out with other kids and eventually compete if he wants to. He tends to make friends easily and we don't have to worry about whether people know what's on his mind (he never stops talking), so signing him up for activities isn't a source of anxiety for me.

Owen, on the other hand, tends to meltdown when he's scared or frustrated or overwhelmed. Learning new things - physical things - can be really hard for him, so I was a little relieved when he said he wasn't interested in snowboarding. But he surprised us by saying he wanted to learn to ski. We live next to a ski hill, so we signed him up for lessons.

I had a knot in my stomach the whole first lesson, knowing he was up on that hill with strangers and having no idea how he would do. But when I picked him up, he was beaming. He didn't just love it, he felt like he was actually good at it. He told us that he was the best in the class at turning. He talked about it the whole afternoon.

I sent him off again last week feeling great, knowing he was excited and that he was learning to do something that he might actually use the rest of his life. Again, he came back chattering away about how much he liked skiing and how next week they were going to go up the big hill, which would include riding the chairlift! He was so excited.

So when we dropped him off today and the teacher asked us to stay for a minute, I guess I was a little caught off guard. I thought we were in the clear and that somehow, someway, skiing had turned out to be an activity that he could learn and enjoy just like all the other kids.

Alas, Owen's group scooted off to the bunny hill and the head of the program came over with a furrowed brow to tell us that she didn't think Owen was going to be able to stay with his ski group. "He's getting really frustrated," she explained, "and the instructor is having to spend all of her time on him." Bam. That was the kick. She went on to tell us that it could be a real problem to take him on the chairlift, so he might be put with another instructor so he could spend more time on the bunny hill. Kick #2.

Owen, of course, wasn't there to hear this - the adults always talk about these things behind the kids' backs. I know they think it's kinder that way, but all I could think about was how upset he was going to be if all the other kids went off to ride the chairlift and he was suddenly left with a stranger on the bunny hill. He was so excited. He thought he was doing so well.

And now, here I am, feeling once again like it's my fault for trying to pass my kid off as "normal." I feel bad. Because maybe I should have called out that he has autism when we signed him up. But what would they have done with the information? They don't offer special classes for kids with autism - and even if they did, he likely wouldn't fit in there, either, because he's so high functioning. He doesn't qualify for adaptive phys-ed, which means he participates in athletic activities at school right alongside the rest of the kids. He's not physically unable to participate and so far, I haven't found any type of special instruction for kids who are easily frustrated.

Naturally, following that guilt comes the guilt that I should be thankful that he can participate in the first place. That I have the option of sending him off to ski class at all. That he is so high-functioning. That somehow, despite the fact that he's apparently been having meltdowns out on the ski hill, he's still been coming back in with a smile on his face. And of course I am thankful, but I still want him to have the same opportunities as everyone else. If he wants to learn to ski, I want to make that happen. It sounds so simple.

I keep thinking that not everything has to be harder for him. Maybe I'm still in denial. Maybe I just don't know what else to do. Am I being unfair by throwing him into these situations designed for typical kids and hoping that he'll adapt, or am I helping him learn to function in life? I don't know. What I do know is that I'll put up with endless kicks in the chest if it means he can grow up knowing he can do anything he puts his mind to...I'm just hoping that I get the brunt of those kicks and not him.