I'm Just a Little Black Rain Cloud

I’m in another week where it was Sunday and then I looked up and it was Wednesday and I don’t really know how it happened. I suppose I’ve been busy with things, but mostly it feels like I’ve been living in a haze of frustration and sadness.

I mentioned the brain tumor/surgery situation a friend of mine is going through in a previous post. This person has been a mentor to me. An inspiration. He is someone I respect immensely. The world can’t afford to lose someone like him – not now, not like this. His situation is improving in some ways and even more precarious in others. It’s really all just waiting and hoping and, well, I’ve been doing a lot of that lately and I guess it’s starting to piss me off.

In the same vein is the teenager situation, which has only continued to deteriorate. Sadly, a treatment program seems like the only hope at this point and even my hope for that isn’t great. You can’t change somebody who doesn’t want to change and since he continues to find people that will prevent him from hitting bottom, he hasn’t reached the point where change is the only option.

It’s difficult to describe how painful it is to watch and how helpless we feel - kudos to my husband who has shown superhuman strength through all of this even though his heart is being ground up into tiny pieces.

As a parent, it's hard to accept that you can't help. It’s not unlike the way I felt when I went into preterm labor at just 23 weeks pregnant. I would have gladly agreed to be put into a coma for three months (in fact, I asked if it was possible) if that would have bought my babies the extra time they needed to grow.

If there was something I could actually do for him…a way to take away his pain and give him the will to want something better…I would do it. I would give every happy memory we’ve shared in the past 12 years in exchange for some assurance that he was going to be okay. But the reality is that he has to make himself better and all we can do is be here when he’s ready. And, well, that just really sucks.

So, TGIW, cuz I could really use a good episode of Top Chef to take my mind off all this.

Good Things

Waking up to our first substantial snowfall of the season could have made this a depressing day. (I really think I might stop leaving my house until May.)

So in the spirit of staving off depression, here are five things that are making me happy today:

1. Cheerios (and Owen)

My little Owen is still sick and had to stay home from school again today, so I took him to SuperTarget with me and told him he could pick out any food he wanted (he hasn't been wanting to eat much). Did he go for Twinkies? Cookies? Chips? Nope. "Let's go to the cereal aisle!" he said. All he wanted in the entire world was a box of strawberry Cheerios. That made me smile.

2. Brain surgery 

Okay, it wasn't the surgery that made me happy, it was learning that someone important to me got through it successfully and is on his way to recovery. I realize the rest of the list now pales in comparison, but the whole brain tumor thing comes with its own depressing thoughts, so I'm being grateful for the small things. 

3. Toys R Us

I realized today that the reason I tend to hate this place is that I only go at Christmas. When I went this morning, it was virtually deserted and halfway organized. This made me realize that there are many, many games and movies and toys that look pretty fun...and that Target has a really limited toy section...and that I'm never going to be able to stick to our two present rule for the kids this Christmas. For the record, this rule has never been followed, but it's a nice goal.

4. Wicked

I'm going to see it tonight! Have I ever mentioned my secret longing to be in a Broadway musical?

5. Top Chef

Just as we're hunkering down for a long, cold winter, Bravo brings the greatest cooking competition on television back! I think I'm going to watch every episode twice this season just to make sure I've properly savored every moment. The things these people come up with on the spot astound me. But as we know, I can barely follow a recipe. Yay Top Chef! Wednesday nights are wonderful again!

Feel free to post your own happy things from today. Together, we can overcome the gray skies, cold air and sloppy, wet snow.