Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Fix You

Hey look, I'm blogging! I didn't want you to think that just because my last entry was all about not being happy with this blog, that I was going to just stop blogging here...that would be like seeing a problem and fixing it...but seriously, moving blogs will require a lot of thinking and moving of things, which I am not yet prepared to do.

In the meantime, let's make the best of this comfy little blog, shall we?

I'm anxious today. I managed to incur the wrath of the teenager due to an innocuous 3-minute conversation with his girlfriend (who now doubles as our Tuesday night nanny!) that somehow got twisted in his mind into some kind of behind-his-back condemnation of his existence...or something. I can't say for sure what his brain tells him is the truth, but in this case, it's so far from reality that I am left only to guess.

Not coincidentally, all of this happened the day he was supposed to show up for family photos. I'd failed to realize I was putting something out there for him to ruin...an expectation. I'd gotten so good at not getting myself into that situation over the last couple of years.

It's really not that big of a deal...it's a temper tantrum. A temper tantrum that comes from a very injured and raw place, I'm sorry to say, but a temper tantrum nonetheless. And the pictures aren't that big of a deal, either...just something nice I'd hoped to have.

But what's bothering me is that I can't stop the buzzing in my brain...the compulsion to want to fix it, even though I can't.

What I want to know is, will I ever get to a place where I can just say, "You know what? It's not okay to fuck things up for everyone else. It's not okay to hurt me just because you're hurting."  I want to say it and feel it and be done with it and move on.

But even though the rational side of my brain knows that's what I need, the rest of me just wants to make him feel better. Because I'm sad that he still harbors so much hurt that his brain waits for things to pounce on and twist into ways to tell himself "See, I told you, no one wants you around." My heart aches for him. And that's what I can't get rid of...even though I know I can't fix it...I can't stop wishing that I could.

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