Fix You

Hey look, I'm blogging! I didn't want you to think that just because my last entry was all about not being happy with this blog, that I was going to just stop blogging here...that would be like seeing a problem and fixing it...but seriously, moving blogs will require a lot of thinking and moving of things, which I am not yet prepared to do.

In the meantime, let's make the best of this comfy little blog, shall we?

I'm anxious today. I managed to incur the wrath of the teenager due to an innocuous 3-minute conversation with his girlfriend (who now doubles as our Tuesday night nanny!) that somehow got twisted in his mind into some kind of behind-his-back condemnation of his existence...or something. I can't say for sure what his brain tells him is the truth, but in this case, it's so far from reality that I am left only to guess.

Not coincidentally, all of this happened the day he was supposed to show up for family photos. I'd failed to realize I was putting something out there for him to ruin...an expectation. I'd gotten so good at not getting myself into that situation over the last couple of years.

It's really not that big of a deal...it's a temper tantrum. A temper tantrum that comes from a very injured and raw place, I'm sorry to say, but a temper tantrum nonetheless. And the pictures aren't that big of a deal, either...just something nice I'd hoped to have.

But what's bothering me is that I can't stop the buzzing in my brain...the compulsion to want to fix it, even though I can't.

What I want to know is, will I ever get to a place where I can just say, "You know what? It's not okay to fuck things up for everyone else. It's not okay to hurt me just because you're hurting."  I want to say it and feel it and be done with it and move on.

But even though the rational side of my brain knows that's what I need, the rest of me just wants to make him feel better. Because I'm sad that he still harbors so much hurt that his brain waits for things to pounce on and twist into ways to tell himself "See, I told you, no one wants you around." My heart aches for him. And that's what I can't get rid of...even though I know I can't fix it...I can't stop wishing that I could.

Blog Envy

I'm not happy with this blog. I started it when my kids were younger and it once was sort of mostly about them (or at least me parenting them), but now it's more of just a random collection of thoughts and complaints about things mostly not related to my kids.

I've been thinking these thoughts for awhile, but today I stumbled onto Penelope Trunk's blog, which is weird, I know, since apparently practically everyone in the world reads her blog and she's been published everywhere...oh, and she's got Asperger's and so does her son. But what can I say? I'm not always in the loop...

The important thing is that I have now found her blog. It's like a brownie you tell yourself you're only having one bite of and so you take your bite and wrap it back up for later, but you keep unwrapping it and nibbling and then wrapping it back up until you've actually eaten the whole thing. Yep, that's her blog for me today. I haven't read all of her posts since 2001(!), mind you, but I've read a good number of them. She's totally crazy and smart and authentic. What boggles my mind the most though is that she's unapologetically flawed and nuts and still comes off as a seriously insightful business woman. It's kind of awesome.

So yeah, inferiority complex aside, I'm thinking I might need a new blog. I'm not going to stop blogging. I actually like blogging, I'm just lacking focus. Or maybe I'm lacking the nerve to be unapologetically nuts...maybe that should be the name of my new blog...not really sure that would give me any more focus, but it would give me more to write about.

Summertime

How can it possibly be the middle of July? This is when I usually begin to frantically grasp at summer's corners as it's flying by...but I feel like I haven't even begun to grasp yet.

I suppose it has to do with working. I suppose it has to do with planning our Great American Road Trip down the Pacific Coast Highway (my mind has been focused on August). I suppose it has to do with being slightly depressed about my seemingly unstoppable weight gain. I suppose it has to do with the fact that the older you get, the faster time just rushes past you.

Not that summer has been entirely lost on me. I've been running outside (still at one mile, but feeling good), the boys have played in the sprinkler, we've walked around a lake, and we've been to some BBQs. My husband and I even took a trip to scenic Pittsburgh last weekend to race in the Great Urban Race! (And we placed 43rd, which is good EVEN if you consider that there were only 93 teams! And that we made a beer pit shop!)

Still, I don't feel like I've taken full advantage of being able to walk outside without a coat. I may have to get serious about spending some more time on patios sipping margaritas.

To that end, another recent development is our decision to get a Tuesday night nanny! (she's really just a babysitter, but I like alliteration) From now until at least October, I've got a date with my husband every Tuesday! I'm not entirely sure we can afford it financially, but I feel like it's an investment in our marriage, so we'll balance the budget somehow...patios, here we come!

And one more thing I want to say before I end this laundry list of a blog:

The weight thing. It's not good. I went off my meds about 6 weeks ago and rather than lose, I put on more weight. So on July 2, I got fed up. I had sworn off calorie counting because it makes me neurotic, but I decided I had to at least track my calories for a little while to find out wtf was going on, so I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app to my iPhone and it is fabulous.

Using the app's calculations, I'm only supposed to consume 1200 calories a day. That's not a lot and I balked at first, but it adjusts for exercise, so if I run my morning mile, for example, I can eat a little more. It has this huge database of food, so every time I eat something I can just enter it and it logs my calories (this also handily serves as a food journal, another thing that I'd been trying to start).

I went over my 1200 calories for the first four or five days, but then it just stopped being hard. It's kind of amazing how I can still basically eat what I want, only since I'm being more thoughtful about it, I make better choices...better choices like NOT eating Chipotle or having that half pint of Haagen-Dazs at 10 p.m. (Which honestly is when it tastes the best, but oh well.)

In 13 days, I've lost 4 pounds! If I continue at that rate, I could be down to my goal weight in 10 weeks, which would make me very, very happy and also provide an excuse to book a bikini beach vacation this winter! (Please note that my goal is to lose more weight than what I gained on the meds, as I've been gaining slowly for a few years and I figured if I'm gonna do it, I should do it.)

So here's to achieving goals and having (low-cal) cocktails in the sun!

Stewing and Simmering

I read this really great post about writing today. It reconnected me with my dream of being an author (an author of books). My dream of spending my days living in the fictional world of my best-selling novels. Sigh.

It also gave me hope that just because I've basically talked myself out of that dream doesn't mean it couldn't still come true one day...I mean, the author part - not necessarily the best seller part.

The particular bit that gave me the hope:

...experiences: you need lots of them. Along with time, to let them stew and simmer together and become a part of your very being.

Since I can remember wanting to write, I remember feeling as if I viewed the world as a writer. Observing. Hanging on bits of conversation. Imagining the stories one could write about various places and people. So maybe I'm just biding my time. Maybe this is why I love to travel so much.

Maybe those experiences just haven't stewed long enough yet...but when they do, I am hopeful they will begin pouring out of my fingers. Not all of their own volition, no. I know I will have to work at it. Work harder than I've been working at it.

But I also believe that I'll be moved to write at some point. That this blog won't sustain me. That might be the lazy approach - ok, that's probably the lazy approach - but I know myself well enough to know that when I really want something and when I feel ready to go after it, I will.

Until then, I'm still observing. I'm still living the life that I later want to draw from...better make it good.