Approaching 35

I'm turning 35 in five weeks. I don't want to say I'm dreading it, but I'm not exactly thrilled to be on the closer side of 40.

To make it more palatable, I've dubbed it the 1/3 mark in my journey to live to be 105. In addition to making me feel slightly less old, it means that I'll have an excuse to throw a big party when I turn 52 1/2! It's pretty crazy to think about the fact that I wasn't even born 35 years ago and here am I looking at maybe having twice the amount of time I've already lived to do more stuff...and I don't even have to go through all those years of learning basics like walking and talking.

As my birthday approaches, I'm seriously considering re-imagining my 40 by 40 list. I hate to think of giving up on it, but as I look through what's left, it's a lot of travel and a few random things that don't seem all that important anymore. For example, doing my own taxes actually seems like a bad idea, seeing as we rely on our fantastic tax preparer to remind us of all the deductions that we would otherwise forget. If I were to do our taxes, I guarantee we'd have to pay in.

I still like the idea of having goals, I just want to make a new list...I don't know. I think I need a list of places I want to visit in my lifetime and then a separate list of assorted other things that I want to accomplish by the time I'm 40.

Speaking of accomplishing things, the other thing I've been thinking about is writing and how I'm not really doing any of it. I've been saying this for years, of course, and yet even when I say I'm not doing it, I find a way of doing even less of it. I need to write. I need to get over the idea that I have to be able to make a living at it and just do it because it's good for me. Like taking vitamins. I'll surely never make a living at taking vitamins, but I need to do it because it helps keep me healthy.

Maybe I'll write the book that will heal me of the wounds inflicted by raising the (former) teenager. I won't really get into here other than to say that wounds that I thought were healing have been ripped back open and I'm vacillating between being really deeply hurt and just kind of being angry that I can't catch a break with him. I was the age he is now when he and his father moved in with me. Maybe when he's the age I am now he'll understand the lengths I went to for him and the pain of having it all still come up short. Maybe.

Wouldn't it be cool if gaining wisdom burned calories? Maybe one of my goals should be to open a gym where all the personal trainers are also licensed therapists who counsel you while you work out.

Eggsistential

I tend to get overwhelmed with the negatives in my life. They hover like a dark cloud…my need to figure out how to fix them gnaws at me.

Sometimes though, I snap myself out of my snow-coated thought cage and realize that I’m standing in my kitchen at 9 a.m., wearing my pajamas and eating a Cadbury egg. Things can’t be that bad if I don’t have to be anywhere and I’ve got a kitchen and a Cadbury egg, right?

(When I typed that, I realized there’s a wholly depressing other way to interpret that scenario, but for me it was a positive.)

What’s my point? My point is that sometimes I just want to stop thinking about how to be happier and just be happy. I was happy with my Cadbury egg. No, that Cadbury egg won’t pay off my debt or make me love my job, but it was nice while it lasted.

So...I hope you all find your own Cadbury eggs today. Happy Easter!